When you don't have a need for friends, you have them...
... When you actually need a good friend just to care, there's no-one there...
When someone is under heavy burden, but cannot say a word, they have to pretend they're fine, otherwise they're considered abnormal in some way.
I left as no-one's proven to me any want to care to the extend I'm caring at present. Why is it people'd say they'd do anything for their friends, but when it comes to it, they don't?
I don't know if I'm meant to care this much for a friend. But I feel I'm doing something right and helping a friend who actually needs real help with real situations, with emotion being a side thing to help with.
I believe I'm nasty, I'm horrible, I'm a lier, and because of this I hate myself. I miss being happy, I miss making things happy, I miss everything good and fair, and the sacrifices I'm making and can make will never be enough to make anything better.There nothing I can ever do to make anything right, ever again.
I push people away as I know I will only cause more hurt. So why get too close when you know you're gonna hurt someone just by knowing them, and don't even intend hurt?
Turning back time would be useful right now. But as always someone has to be the worse off etc...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, April 12, 2010
:/
I may have to go to the doctors all the bledy time, but for once I think you really need to see a doctor... not sarcasm, you genuinely need to go see one, or I'm making you see one. Simple as.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
There ain't a single thing you've done Is gonna phase me...
Well... so much for an 'ok' start to the year.
Two good things: AMAZING FOLDER A LEVEL STUFF SORTING OUT ... I blame pressurizing departmental people giving a large review to every class in the A block -.-'
and ofc... my gorgeous guy is an oasis in the month of evil issues and problems.
Issue number one: I have inherited genetic stuff which isn't good and makes me be off school a lot to 'live' at the doctors ¬-¬' .... why can't I be normal.
Issue number two: Me = offloader for other peoples' issues. I'm more than happy to listen just as long as I have time to listen, don't have to explain to anyone else of authority why I've been unable to attend things, and I have to have some time with my oasis in order to chilllll so I can listen more without being burdened.
Issue number three: Just.. eugh
Anyhoos... now my little rant is over I'm looking forward to yet another action packed weekend (3rd in a row)... i think the weekend after, I may do homework on the saturday, and enjoy valentines day on the sunday... overall... nothing that'll be considered hard work or something that isn't relaxing.
Gremlin Out
Two good things: AMAZING FOLDER A LEVEL STUFF SORTING OUT ... I blame pressurizing departmental people giving a large review to every class in the A block -.-'
and ofc... my gorgeous guy is an oasis in the month of evil issues and problems.
Issue number one: I have inherited genetic stuff which isn't good and makes me be off school a lot to 'live' at the doctors ¬-¬' .... why can't I be normal.
Issue number two: Me = offloader for other peoples' issues. I'm more than happy to listen just as long as I have time to listen, don't have to explain to anyone else of authority why I've been unable to attend things, and I have to have some time with my oasis in order to chilllll so I can listen more without being burdened.
Issue number three: Just.. eugh
Anyhoos... now my little rant is over I'm looking forward to yet another action packed weekend (3rd in a row)... i think the weekend after, I may do homework on the saturday, and enjoy valentines day on the sunday... overall... nothing that'll be considered hard work or something that isn't relaxing.
Gremlin Out
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Truely understanding psychology is for those who wish to learn how to remove emotion from an unbalanced equation.
Happy new year to who can be arsed to read this :D
Overall... the new year started 'a ok' for me, until we came back to school. And reality was bought to life again. For me, staying with family is comforting to the fact that the understanding is there, especially when there's a lot of family communication and large talks about meaningless nothingness which turn out to be dead important etc etc. Despite the obvious feuds, mainly over the age gap when it comes to actually understanding technology, my own family is understanding to my somewhat off note opinions and thoughts.
Just a quick note, I do always make sense when consciously thinking, however, most sentences can be interpreted in different ways depending on too many variables for me to be arsed to write.
The instance you get back to school. The understanding of me just disappears, along with the floor as we know it, I miss the floor.
With last year came many a dislike, this year is showing to be good fun in that category, arguments are fun when every sentence is calculated precisely and premeditated. Most people made no sense last year, more people are guranteed to make no sense this year too, good times.
At least there's one solid state thing in my life which won't change and I can look forward to.... PIZZA PANANIS FTW
So, outlook for 20-10.......... Snow Storms, Paninis Are epic, Second Coming of lifelong interests and committments.
Ha ha, this post is too cryptic for me to remember how many hidden messages are in it xD ... GET LOOKIN' O-O
-poof-
Overall... the new year started 'a ok' for me, until we came back to school. And reality was bought to life again. For me, staying with family is comforting to the fact that the understanding is there, especially when there's a lot of family communication and large talks about meaningless nothingness which turn out to be dead important etc etc. Despite the obvious feuds, mainly over the age gap when it comes to actually understanding technology, my own family is understanding to my somewhat off note opinions and thoughts.
Just a quick note, I do always make sense when consciously thinking, however, most sentences can be interpreted in different ways depending on too many variables for me to be arsed to write.
The instance you get back to school. The understanding of me just disappears, along with the floor as we know it, I miss the floor.
With last year came many a dislike, this year is showing to be good fun in that category, arguments are fun when every sentence is calculated precisely and premeditated. Most people made no sense last year, more people are guranteed to make no sense this year too, good times.
At least there's one solid state thing in my life which won't change and I can look forward to.... PIZZA PANANIS FTW
So, outlook for 20-10.......... Snow Storms, Paninis Are epic, Second Coming of lifelong interests and committments.
Ha ha, this post is too cryptic for me to remember how many hidden messages are in it xD ... GET LOOKIN' O-O
-poof-
Monday, November 9, 2009
(Untitled 01)
....on second thoughts, and reflection, everyone should have an emotional breakdown, they're good for the soul. :)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Christianity... A point of view.
Me = May not be fully Christian but respects and maintains their values as it's a good way of life and makes me feel like a hippy.
Old Testament - DEEAATTTH.. (And destruction :D)
New Testament - LOOVE... (and passion ^^)
Being a Christian means you look at both the new and old testaments, I personally prefer Jesus's (He's a good bloke) teachings in the New Testament as it shows you can live with only experiencing as powerful an emotion derived from fear as dislike. In my Christian value escapades, I find there is only really one person I've ever truely disliked, and I acknowledge that after a good 3 years of realising that.
All of this is rather nice isn't it. Get used to it. I uphold these nicey nicey lovey dovey values ^-^'
Old Testament - DEEAATTTH.. (And destruction :D)
New Testament - LOOVE... (and passion ^^)
Being a Christian means you look at both the new and old testaments, I personally prefer Jesus's (He's a good bloke) teachings in the New Testament as it shows you can live with only experiencing as powerful an emotion derived from fear as dislike. In my Christian value escapades, I find there is only really one person I've ever truely disliked, and I acknowledge that after a good 3 years of realising that.
All of this is rather nice isn't it. Get used to it. I uphold these nicey nicey lovey dovey values ^-^'
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
If you were falling, Then I would catch you... (even if I have to catch you in an open back grain lorry driving at 70mph =/ )
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yes ^ You ^ Know ^What ^ I'm ^ On ^ About ^^^^^^^^^^^^
I may be small, I may have an ickle voice, I may be insignificant in everyone's lives... But I'm Me.
Why does prejudice lurk around the corner all the bleedin time? Many a time I have theorised about just walking around everywhere naked for all the good wearing clothes does. Although, even some with as little shame as I, I do retain at least a tiny bit of dignity, even if it is as small as my shoe size >.> .
I'm sure everyone finds this, life depresses me, it shouts abuse at me, it snidely comments about my behind my back, and plays psychological warfare with me most of the time. Now, I'm your average pacifist, but when it comes to psychological warefare, just don't. When one goes through this much total a**e r****g s**t in a single year, nothing phases them. Nothing. At all.
Sure, I'm a human, I have empirical senses, I need and now have my rock who owes me their life just in case I need some stability and a reality check. (Yes Brother, try and get boy to owe you his life instead of just his limbs o-O (ha!))... but, going through said amounts of s**t allows a mental brick wall to take residence, which is put up at a price to one's emotions.
Therefore, I prefer to keep that wall down instead of living/camping behind that wall for 6 years flat ¬.¬'
Therefore, I have emotions, and so I learnt there's no need for a monkey in my life, and so I can live my life how I fancy living it with my new found confidence courtesy of life.
Therefore, I can forgive those that need forgiving, help those that need help, make truthful pacts that have been dutifully kept, and pour all of the love I kept to myself for such a long time into others who need that love from me.
Someone I forgave, helped when needed, and gave them all the love I could possibly give them made sure they turned away from it with brute force, I knew and know them then and now, they're still there somewhere. They are unable to work at this minute, I always get anxious when they cannot work because it's always serious, they always get back up and keep going. A weak spot will always occur for someone who will die at this rate, and if/when that all happens, I don't want to know about it.
The contentment I have now will never stay, I'm sure of it. But we cannot possibly dwell on things in the past, as the past never really existed as it has been considered present and is that present at that second in time, in this case.. 10713600 seconds in time. We also cannot dwell on the future, as the future never really comes, it stays lingering out of reach as we can only possibly living in the present.
So why not just appreciate the present, appreciate the air we breathe, any fortune we're in, the people we love at that second in time, and not care about previous/future events, as they cannot possibly make sense.
People change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but it's what happens in the present that makes the difference, not what people have been, maybe if previous seconds in the present are forgotten and buried to never be seen again, social harmony can be achieved for just 1 second of time.
I may be small, I may have an ickle voice, I may be insignificant in everyone's lives... But I'm Me.
Why does prejudice lurk around the corner all the bleedin time? Many a time I have theorised about just walking around everywhere naked for all the good wearing clothes does. Although, even some with as little shame as I, I do retain at least a tiny bit of dignity, even if it is as small as my shoe size >.> .
I'm sure everyone finds this, life depresses me, it shouts abuse at me, it snidely comments about my behind my back, and plays psychological warfare with me most of the time. Now, I'm your average pacifist, but when it comes to psychological warefare, just don't. When one goes through this much total a**e r****g s**t in a single year, nothing phases them. Nothing. At all.
Sure, I'm a human, I have empirical senses, I need and now have my rock who owes me their life just in case I need some stability and a reality check. (Yes Brother, try and get boy to owe you his life instead of just his limbs o-O (ha!))... but, going through said amounts of s**t allows a mental brick wall to take residence, which is put up at a price to one's emotions.
Therefore, I prefer to keep that wall down instead of living/camping behind that wall for 6 years flat ¬.¬'
Therefore, I have emotions, and so I learnt there's no need for a monkey in my life, and so I can live my life how I fancy living it with my new found confidence courtesy of life.
Therefore, I can forgive those that need forgiving, help those that need help, make truthful pacts that have been dutifully kept, and pour all of the love I kept to myself for such a long time into others who need that love from me.
Someone I forgave, helped when needed, and gave them all the love I could possibly give them made sure they turned away from it with brute force, I knew and know them then and now, they're still there somewhere. They are unable to work at this minute, I always get anxious when they cannot work because it's always serious, they always get back up and keep going. A weak spot will always occur for someone who will die at this rate, and if/when that all happens, I don't want to know about it.
The contentment I have now will never stay, I'm sure of it. But we cannot possibly dwell on things in the past, as the past never really existed as it has been considered present and is that present at that second in time, in this case.. 10713600 seconds in time. We also cannot dwell on the future, as the future never really comes, it stays lingering out of reach as we can only possibly living in the present.
So why not just appreciate the present, appreciate the air we breathe, any fortune we're in, the people we love at that second in time, and not care about previous/future events, as they cannot possibly make sense.
People change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but it's what happens in the present that makes the difference, not what people have been, maybe if previous seconds in the present are forgotten and buried to never be seen again, social harmony can be achieved for just 1 second of time.
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